Spring

I’m taking a short break from my alphabet blogs to stop and smell the flowers. Literally.

Because I’m wondering… when did Spring happen? I feel like I blinked and suddenly I was surrounded by a world rich with beauty and vibrant colors! Spring was here and I hadn’t even noticed her arrival. Moreover, I don’t think I ever really appreciated the beauty of this season.

So why was I noticing this now? What is it about this Spring that is different from any other?

To answer this question, I first had to consider the obvious: I was raised in Miami, where Spring was no different than any other season. But as I dug deeper, my memories took me back to an event associated with this time of year- my high school graduation. I had a decent enough high school experience- nothing traumatic, nothing too exceptional. And graduation was definitely a joyful occasion. But what stands out most in my memory is feeling incredibly scared and sad. And because I didn’t have the skills to express my inner turmoil, I ended up crying. A lot. It was a very uncomfortable time in my life.  And I believe I tied the season of Spring with that bundle of emotions.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I was attending Senior Day for my son’s high school baseball team. As I witnessed the Seniors being honored, I was brought right back to those feelings I’d had so many years ago. My heart went out to all the Seniors and their parents. Looking into their eyes, I recognized all of the emotions they were experiencing. Laughter, tears, frustration, anxiety, fear, happiness, sadness- they were feeling them all.

Or was that me?

As I thought back to previous Springs, I realized that the most prominent feeling I experienced was happy/ sad. I mean, you wanna see a girl cry, just play a little “Pomp and Circumstance!” Even as I write this and hear that song in my head, I feel a lump starting to form in my throat. Swallowing hard, the word ‘bittersweet’ came forward in my thoughts. It’s an interesting word. Kinda makes me think of chocolate. (Oh, no- that’s semi-sweet! Ha! Sorry, I digress.) No. Bittersweet.

It’s strange to  have two opposing feelings at the very same time. When this happens for me, guilt, judgment and confusion are usually present as well. And sitting in that contentious energy, a voice surfaces saying things like, “I shouldn’t feel this sadness because it’s a joyful occasion.” Or, “I don’t understand why I don’t feel happier during this special event.” Bitter and sweet. Happy and Sad.

Let’s face it, two of my least favorite experiences walk hand and hand with graduation; the always-challenging-but-also-wonderfully-rich “E” and “T” words: endings and transitions. I’ve never liked endings. They make my heart ache. I even struggle when one of my favorite television shows comes to an end. (“This is Us” Need I say more?) And then there’s those darned, pesky transitions! I continue to muddle my way through them.

So maybe it’s no coincidence that the beauty of Spring has eluded me. Up ’til now, I’ve been buried too deep in all the emotions tied to graduations, old patterns and misunderstandings, that come along with this rite of passage.

And then it occurred to me, maybe it’s no coincidence that graduation occurs against the background of Spring. It’s a ceremony that represents completion and renewal at the same time, just as Spring marks the end of one season and leads us into a time of blossoms and sunshine. Could I consider that the bittersweet is serving me, allowing me to open to different, bigger and, dare I say, grander possibilities? Ok, sure! Let’s give that a go!

So this year I lifted my head and opened my eyes to find the magnificence of Spring. My walks are filled with the sound of birds singing; beautiful blossoms, flowers of all shapes, sizes and the most radiant colors; and the air, offering a breath of hope with a breeze that moves through me like a whisper. I’m enjoying the scents and fragrances- sweet, rich and wonderful. And I feel myself expanding, picturing my whole heart space opening to the sun, just like the flowers.

Sure, graduation can be bittersweet. I’ve got several on my horizon, so I’ll continue to have all the feels around this ceremony. But instead of allowing them to dominate my experience, I’m choosing to focus on the beauty  and all of the incredible opportunities for renewal that both graduation and  Spring offer.

Come to think of it, we’re all constantly graduating, moving from one experience to the next, learning and growing. “Pomp and Circumstance” may not be playing (thank goodness!), but, with all its grandeur, we can dance to the sounds of Spring and celebrate!

In loving,

Sarah