K is for...

Well, this is easy.

In my life, the letter K couldn’t be for anything other than our two boys, Kiernan and Kadyn- the two most amazing young men, ever! Although they’re now older, I still marvel at the fact that I grew those little babies right inside of my own body! “Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles.”

I’ve been pondering miracles and incredible accomplishments lately. It’s hard not to with the world focused on the Olympics. It’s amazing to consider how much talent has converged into one space and time. I find myself mesmerized, in a heightened state of emotion, as I witness the dedication and determination of the athletes pushing their bodies to the limit as they work tirelessly toward one, singular goal. Even the stories of the coaches, families and support systems tug at my heart. And the Opening Ceremonies- forget it- I’m a goner.

I feel similarly every time I watch a beautiful ballerina dance on pointe, or a graceful ice skater glide across the ice as if she’s floating, or a musician as they immerse themselves in a challenging piece of music. I watch and listen with admiration, feeling as though I’m being transported to another realm, and the result is pure magic.

And I cry. A lot.

There’s just something about these experiences that brings tears to my eyes. Our boys have gotten used to having a weepy Mom for the duration of the Olympics. (In all honesty, they’ve gotten used to having a weepy Mom, period. I have no problem admitting I’m a crier.)

But there’s something about these tears that confuse me. They’re not tears stemming from pure sadness. They’re a mix of emotions; not quite envy, but a longing, a yearning; an awareness that I will never experience the sense of accomplishment and recognition that comes with knowing I am the best.

And there’s a voice inside myself that says, “What have you done that will ever come close to these accomplishments and affect people in such a profound way? You will never leave a legacy behind like those who move you so deeply.”

I lower my head, cowering in shame.

Oh, inadequacy, why do you show up when I am just trying to enjoy myself?

Deep breath.

And then I hear a kinder, more gentle voice. “Sarah, you have already created your legacy. You have been working tirelessly, putting in long hours, pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone. Sit quietly for a moment. Listen. What do you know?”

Another deep breath. (Actually, I take a couple.)

OK, here’s what I know.

Even though my training doesn’t occur in a gym or a pool, it takes a tremendous amount of courage, grit and determination to do what I do.  My workouts involve daily check-ins to ensure I’m living a life of intention, awareness, purpose and service; that I’m looking at my life honestly and ensuring the choices I’ve made align with my intentions. And mostly that I’m making a choice to live the life of my dreams and stay in my loving.

True, these are inward processes that generally don’t merit the attention of others and garner awards. Nonetheless, in addition to the tireless hours I’ve invested in being a present, purposeful Mom, I’ve spent just as much time in deep introspection, focusing on conscious awakening.

So, no gold medal for me, I’m afraid. But I’m on top of a podium of my own making. One that’s built on strength, courage, connection, spirituality, compassion, nurturing, attunement, joy, happiness, purpose, service, love and gratitude.

And oh my golly, look at what I HAVE won! I’ve been given the opportunity to allow two beautiful souls to come through me, influence and guide them to my very best ability, and share in their journeys, so they can live joyful, purposeful lives!  Two amazing, fantastic, kind-hearted boys. They are my awards, my legacy!

Kiernan and Kadyn are creative, talented, and so loving. One leans into philosophy while the other prefers sports. One is much more outgoing, while the other is introverted. They are kind and compassionate. Deep thinkers and funny. They have been loved and they are loving. And I get to witness it all!

So the next time I sense tears forming as I watch these talented artists and athletes, I’m going to stop and take a breath. Then I can remind myself that even though I may not pursue my goals in the same way, I stand among these gifted souls in our pursuit to be the best. And although I may not be praised and acknowledged for my successes in the same way, I am no less accomplished…and no less worthy.

And I’ll think of our K boys and smile. After all, the light they radiate shines brighter than any medal I could ever receive, making them the best award of all.

In loving,

Sarah

Post script- I generally don’t include our boy’s names or images in my writing, but they've granted me permission for today’s blog.