It's been a while...

I haven’t written in quite a while. Well, no that’s not true. I have written, but it all stinks. Not worth posting. But today I’m giving it a go because I have an experience I’d really like to share. First, let me explain.

So I’m on this medicine to treat the pain I’m getting from Trigeminal Neuralgia. The medicine (sort of) helps, but it also makes me really, really foggy. It’s kind of like I have these thoughts that are just beyond my grasp and I can’t put them together or focus for any length of time. Like I’m not grounded and I’m watching myself move through things knowing I’m not completely present. It has been really, really hard on me- because of (well, you know…) my natural tendency to want to organize things and get them done quickly and efficiently. Instead I’m witnessing my own inability to do things the way I would normally do them.

I had the brain surgery to help. Except it didn’t. Yeah, that was a REAL bummer. There’s still a chance I will see improvement over the next three to six months, but going through that whole procedure and learning that my pain is not only still there, but intensifying has not been fun. The current solution: increase my medicine, which causes me to feel even foggier. And sad. And hopeless.

So one day, in an attempt to get me out of this funk, Mike put on some music from our old musical theatre days and we began singing songs by our favorite composer/ lyricist team. I off-handedly asked Mike to see what the team was up to or whether they were even still alive.

As it turns out, they weren’t only still alive, but still creating music together. And, lo and behold, producing a staged reading of their latest endeavor. In New York. In two weeks.

And then a whisper went right through me… “Why don’t we go and see it?”

Mind you, we haven’t left our boys longer than a short overnight stint…ever. Fear popped right in. Would they remember to feed and walk the dog? Would they remember to feed themselves? And what about Mom? Would she be ok if I left for a couple days? And then another voice chimed in questioning my worth. “Do I deserve such an extravagant getaway? One that was just for me.”

So I jumped right in, starting with the inner work. I had a long conversation with that doubtful voice. As I sorted through all the misunderstandings, misinterpretations and limiting beliefs, recognizing them as obstacles and then opportunities, I realized that the voice was really just trying to remind me of the truth. The truth for all of us- that we are all worthy of taking care of ourselves. (Lots more where that came from, but I’ll save that for another time!) OK- message received! Check off that box.

Then I cleared the weekend with the boys (stressing the importance of being responsible and taking care of the dog), exchanged a bunch of miles and points for our airfare and hotel, and two weeks later- voila! We found ourselves in a beautiful hotel right across from Rockefeller Plaza.

The weekend was magical. We hit the ground running as we traipsed all over the beautifully lit, holiday-celebrating city. Since Mike and I had never been to NY together, he was excited to see all the places I lived and worked and he humored me as I reminisced about stories from that time in my life.

Several moments from the trip stand out.

~The first time we saw the Rockefeller Plaza tree, it took my breath away. I mean, I’d seen it in my twenties, but this time it was absolutely luminous.

~Riding the subways. First time doing this since the 9/11 attacks. And Covid. I thought I’d be afraid. I wasn’t- not even a smidgen.

~Deciding to get last minute (obstructed view) tickets to the “Rockette’s Christmas Spectacular.” From the moment we walked into the lobby of Radio City and saw the chandelier tree, I was a goner. Wept through most of the show, feeling overwhelmed with joy and gratitude (even though we couldn’t see the baby Jesus in the manger because it was upstage left and the proscenium blocked us. It was ok- we saw the camels!)

~Visiting Lincoln Center. I worked in a restaurant in Avery Fisher Hall for most of my time in NY. My heart took some major hits during that time. Returning a much more grounded, whole woman, all these years later, with Mike by my side- well, that was special.

~Eating my first slice of NY pizza- the REAL NY pizza- was completely indescribable. There’s really just nothing like it.

~Seeing the staged reading of Maltby and Shire’s latest musical. Ok, it really needs some fine tuning, BUT, Richard Maltby, Jr. performed one of the roles, making the whole event that much more special.

Ahhh, that was fun.

Mike and I finished watching “Nyad” during our trip and after seeing Mr. Maltby, Jr. take the stage at the ripe age of 86, we decided that one of the themes of our weekend was continuing to explore and hold on to our dreams, despite age and naysayers. This certainly resonates with me as I sit in the unknown of what my next dream is. (Take that- to the voice telling me I’m getting old!)

We came home to find the boys (and the dog) survived in one piece! I hugged our boys tighter, grateful for all the love we share as a family.

I’m still unsure what awaits me in my tomorrows. But it’s all ok. I’ve returned hopeful, a feeling I haven’t experienced in a while.

And if I should find myself down, I need only think of the overwhelming joy that flowed through my body as I watched the Rockettes, or saw the star on the top of the tree at Rockefeller Plaza, or gazed into my loving husband’s eyes. Or the love that awaited me when I walked through our front door.

What a gift.

Happy Holidays!

In loving,

Sarah