I is for Intentions, Instead and Inspiration

OK- here’s the unvarnished, vulnerable, painstaking truth. I have been in a bad place. A dark, sad, lonely, dark (it’s worth repeating) place. I stopped reaching out to friends and family. If I had to interact with someone, I’d respond with cursory, polite answers; or I’d share my true feelings, spilling my stuff onto these innocent souls, only to witness their sadness and frustration as they dealt with their inability to help me. I’d experienced bouts of depression before, but this was a new level. It lasted for several months. There seemed to be no way out. No way to end this. I was miserable. 

Eventually, I noticed a few things at the root of this painful time. 

My younger son will be driving soon. Quite the milestone. One that’s usually joyful. But for me, it means more separation. I love our drives together. It’s one of the few times that I have (most of) his attention and I can learn  what’s going on with him- how he’s doing in school, if there’s a girl who has his attention, what’s new with baseball? Getting his license and driving himself? Well, that just makes me sad. It marks how my job as his mom must, once again, shift and adapt as he grows up. 

No, this isn’t new. Learning to let go of our boys goes way back. I still miss all the people they were. The infant who relied on me as I nourished him with breast milk. I delighted on their beautiful, tiny, magnificent hands and feet. The toddler, round cheeks and chunky thighs, that looked up to me as he learned to walk. The school child with that beautiful blonde hair, coming home with new ideas each day. The performer, who whirled around on stage as we watched with such delight. The athlete that moved through the air with amazing grace and form, who I used to travel with for competitions. Even the grunty teen, who got angry with me when he got a bad haircut, or when I attended his performance despite his attempt to keep me at a distance. I knew all of those boys and all the ones in between. And now they’re gone, having morphed into the version they are now. But here’s the difference: this current version doesn’t involve or NEED me nearly as much. 

My purpose over the last twenty years. Done. What could possibly be left for me to do?

Side bar: I consider it an absolute blessing that I’ve gotten to know our children at each stage of their lives. It’s a privilege, a gift, for sure. I understand that there are so many people in this world that don’t have that choice. Don’t get me wrong, there have been tremendous consequences for my choice. I’ve judged myself as lazy, spoiled and entitled. I’ve battled with the belief that somehow I’m less than because I wasn’t  working an outside job that generated money. And there has always been a belief that somehow I’m unworthy for having the opportunity to fulfill my life’s dream of having children and staying home with them. So yes, a privilege, and yes, a challenge. But I digress.

Bottom line- I was feeling empty.

Then there’s the whole dealing with my Mom as she ages thing. Some days are good, some not so much. The Mom she is now is not the one that I spent endless hours talking with, sharing my life.  And, like my boys, I miss that version of her. Our roles have shifted now and my responsibilities with her care continue to increase. Witnessing her decline, up close and personal, has taken a toll.

On top of all of that is the gnawing, consistent, at times excruciating pain along the side of my face and mouth that I continue to grapple with. The side effects from the medicine continue to affect my daily life. There’s weight gain and an inability to focus on anything, including writing. Finding words is very hard. Putting them together even harder. 

And oh yeah, there’s the state of the world. The wars. The pain. The suffering. These days, that alone is enough to send me spiraling. 

It’s a lot and it was all weighing me down, like carrying rocks in a backpack.

Compounding this was a belief that if I were more spiritual, I wouldn’t be feeling this bad. That more spiritual people don’t experience dark times like this. 

Yeah.I got really good at beating myself up.

I was functioning. Getting out of bed every day. Moving through my daily routine. I used my skills, repeating my daily prayers and meditations, asking Spirit every day, ‘how can I serve you? How can I make a difference?”and not hearing a response. I did my inner work, exploring, processing and questioning the opportunities this situation was offering. I shed my tears. I screamed, releasing anger. All of this in service to moving into a lighter, joy-filled experience again. I wanted to understand my purpose. Why am I here, now that my primary purpose in life has been fulfilled? I continued to hear nothing. I felt like a shell of myself, a zombie. I had no energy or even the desire to reach out and ask for help. I wanted to hide under a rock somewhere and be left alone, hoping I’d wither away and be taken out of this pain.  

[As I write this, I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, worried that I’m sounding like a whiner, a big complainer. Dear reader, I ask for your understanding and a willingness to be gentle with me.]

But keeping my routine was crucial because eventually it made room for a shift.  

Even though I felt resistance, preferring to avoid people, I attended a regular meeting I have with two friends where we support each other as we work our process. After my sharing, I received feedback that helped me identify a couple of beliefs, misunderstandings, that I was holding as truth. The first was that in order to experience purpose, I must be doing something that generates money. The next was a belief that I’m showing up small and dull because I don’t have some of the same desires as those around me- you know, the people who love to travel, want to go on adventures and do big, grand things with their lives, like win gold medals and cure cancer. 

“All I do is share my light from the comfort of my cozy couch, imagining myself like a lighthouse, shining in all directions. I mean, how can that compare? How can that be enough?”

My friend gently reminded me how these qualities are actually gifts, my own unique expression of the Divine, and that shining my light is purpose enough. In fact, many believe it’s more valuable than generating money. After all, if more people were focusing on shining their light and sharing their love instead of focusing on monetary stuff, wouldn’t the world be a much better place?  

I let this settle and I felt something shift. An awareness of a small, dim light inside myself. Not enough to pull me out of my darkness, but it was something. An opening that allowed me to feel like I could finally take a deep breath again. I began to actually consider that my contributions may be valuable, even if they came from sitting on the couch. 

I asked Spirit for guidance, showing me signs that I could recognize, hoping for anything that would help me understand a path moving forward. Without any ideas on what this would be, I envisioned it like a rope, thrown down to me, allowing me to pull myself up, out of the darkness. 

I didn’t have to wait long because out of the blue I received a text from an old friend with a picture of her reading my book. She said that she’d bought the book because she loved hearing my voice. Wow. Ok? I’d never really considered that someone would seek out hearing my voice through my writing. My heart was full as I noticed a feeling inside that felt familiar. A good feeling, like a path was being laid out in front of me. 

Soon after, I attended my second appointment with a woman who was attemping to help me release the pain in my face. 

[So here’s where I may lose some of you and, honestly, I wouldn’t blame you for scoffing as you read on. I’ve always been wary of woo-woo stuff. And seeing a ‘healer’ was right up woo-woo alley. But I also always try to keep an open mind because the truth is, we just don’t know certain things and how they work in the world. And heck, if I allowed a doctor to drill into my brain, experimenting with a healer’s more gentle approach seemed like a no-brainer. Ha! See what I did there?!] 

It was the day of the eclipse and my appointment fell right as the eclipse hit the path of totality. 

Side note: Having watched “Avatar, the Last Airbender,” I was reminded how the benders got additional power during an eclipse of the sun or the moon. I kept wondering if this woman I was seeing would also benefit from any additional powers during the eclipse? If so, I was ready!  

So I’m laying down as the healer holds my head for a long while. She’s not speaking, just cradling my head in her hands. And out of nowhere, she asks me what my current dreams and aspirations are? 

“Uh…I don’t have any.” 

“Yes, this area of your brain is where those aspects are held and it is stuck. But don’t worry, it’s easy enough to get moving.”

And she instructs me to think of something I was going to do after our session. Anything- like getting gas for the car or grocery shopping. I thought about going to my son’s baseball game later that day. I pictured it in great detail. Parking, walking to the field, sitting in the bleachers, watching him catch and hit. And just like that, she said she felt movement in that area of the brain. 

Well. OK. 

She did a few more things, gently moving my head, running her hands over my body, and then she started to get a little giddy, sharing that she was very excited for me. 

“Uh…why?” I wasn’t feeling anything different. 

“I’m just very excited for you. Look I have goosebumps.” 

And sure enough, she did. All up and down her arms. 

She helped me sit up and I noticed she was beaming, almost glowing. Her energy was markedly different from when we started, bubbling with excitement. She told me she got a message that I should go out and buy myself some flowers. 

Hmmmm…ok. Well, I’ve actually never done that for myself, but it sounded easy enough. And heck, if she was getting a message from somewhere beyond, who am I to question it? 

Our session was over and her excitement continued. The smile on her face was one of someone who knew something about me that I didn’t know. A secret that she couldn’t tell me.

“Uhhhh…OK, I’m glad you’re having this experience, but I don’t feel any different.” 

She simply kept repeating, “I’m so excited for you.”

On the way home, I stopped at Trader Joes where I picked out some beautiful, brightly colored flowers. And I have to admit, it was actually kinda fun, you know? 

I went through the rest of my day, occasionally checking in with myself. That dark feeling was still present, but the joy of getting myself flowers, appreciating their beauty, it lifted me. And I recognized the light entering my life. My little inner flame was growing. 

During this time, Viktor Frankl’s quote kept lingering in my head. “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” 

It seems I was faced with a choice: stay in the darkness or open to the light. 

I went to sleep that night, setting an intention once again, to see the route markers Spirit is leaving for me, and to surrender and trust, knowing I’m exactly where I need to be. 

And just like that, I woke the next morning and the darkness had lifted. Poof! It was gone. The rocks in my backpack, unloaded and nowhere to be seen. Believe me, I looked for around for that darkness, wondering if it could be lingering somewhere. But, nope! All I found was the warmth of that small light within me, growing stronger with every breath. It was kinda like a scene from a movie, where happy music is playing, the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. It was amazing. I sat in this energy, feeling my chest expand. And for the first time in a very, very long time, I felt hopeful. 

Now, I can’t say for sure that this shift was a result of the healer and her adjustments and awarenesses. But it is a bit coincidental, yeah? And if it’s not due to that visit, well, that’s ok too. Because the thing that matters is that I no longer felt the heaviness, sadness and darkness. It had cleared.  

My life started to shift. I reached out to friends, listened to a lot more music and took time to nurture myself. I continued to fill our house with brightly colored flowers and, in an attempt to accept my new body weight, allowed myself to buy some clothes that fit. I sang in the shower and cuddled with our dog. (My husband, too!) I was finally back to myself. 

Soon after I was sitting on my couch, doing my daily tasks on my computer, when I received a message from a friend who was looking for one of my old blogs. She thought that a friend who was experiencing a challenge might find support in reading my blog. A blog I’d written three years ago. 

Can I tell you that after finding that blog and passing it along to my friend, I broke down into full on weeping. Ugly face, loud noised, unabashed crying. Tears of gratitude spilled down my face. Someone believed my words could support a friend? Oh my goodness! This was a sign I could recognize. Thank you, thank you, thank you Spirit. 

Then as I was waking one morning, I heard  a whisper. One that offered inspiration, encouragement and a direction to begin this blog. 

So the letter ‘I’ is for intention. Because holding an intention is like creating a pathway  to move forward. It’s the plowed field laid out before you, or the voice that Luke heard as he approached the Death Star, “Stay on target.” It helps keep us on track and encourages us to keep moving forward. Always.

And I is for instead, a reminder that we always have choice. Instead of allowing fear and worry, I can choose to experience hope, and light and opportunity. 

And I is for inspiration. Because when all else is lost, there’s always that light. It may not show up exactly when you want, but it’s always there, right within us. 

Who knows. Maybe I’m taking these random events and linking them together to create meaning. Maybe I’m latching on to writing because it’s a pathway out of the darkness. Or maybe it’s just a ‘for now’ thing. A bridge to carry me to whatever the next thing is. Isn't that what life is anyway? A bunch of bridges leading from one thing to the next? And, honestly, whether it's long lasting or short-lived doesn’t really matter. Because here’s what I know: writing brings me joy. And when I write, I feel on purpose. Using my son’s vernacular, I’m locked in as I write, losing track of time, feeling like I’m expanding, like I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. These are the best route markers, ones that come from within! Am I any good at it and will it ever generate money? (With a shrug of my shoulders- ) Eh, who knows! All I can do is follow the joy, do my best and trust. 

So what was that dark time about? It wasn’t pleasant, that’s for sure. But perhaps it’s exactly what I needed in order to experience this joy. Maybe it’s my own rite of passage as I move through mid life. Or maybe there are just times in our lives that are hard, plain and simple. And the way we move through them, well, that’s the opportunity. I’m glad that I kept moving, no matter how dark it got. And, oh my golly, I’m so grateful for the route markers that showed up as Earth Angles, leading me back to writing, and for the whispers that inspired me. What a wonderful reminder to always stay open to miracles.  

So I’ll keep crafting my stories, trusting that this is the way I share my light. Building my thoughts one word at a time and connecting them until they form (what I hope to be) a meaningful piece of writing. One that a touches, inspires or simply lets someone else know that they’re not alone. All from the comfort of my couch. 

Recently, I sat in the passenger seat as our son was practicing driving. As I felt the old feelings about this rite of passage bubble up, instead of dwelling in sadness, I made a choice to stay in the moment. I looked at the confident young man beside me, blonde hair, aware, alert, and so beautiful. I felt my heart expand. And as we both considered the road ahead, I realized how much I was enjoying the ride.

In loving,

Sarah