What do I want to be when I grow up?
It’s my birthday month and I’m proud to share that I’m a mere 51 years…old? Young? Hmmm.
Have you ever found yourself in awe of where you are in your life, wondering just how you got there? I can sometimes get so caught up in the minutia of my daily life that once in a while I stop for a breath and look around and wonder if this is really my life?
I mostly feel this way when I catch myself saying something in my role as a parent. Inside my head, I’m still a twenty-something, living a care-free life. And then, as if by magic, I find myself in this role of huge responsibility, acting all grown up and reprimanding these children of mine! I mean, how is that my life? How am I responsible for two whole other human beings? I've been there for every moment of their lives, but like waking up from a dream, I just can’t believe that they came through me and they (are supposed to) listen to me.. because I AM their mom!!
Twilight zone stuff.
But as I tend to do at anniversaries or birthdays, (or all the time!) I find myself reflecting on the past year. And all the years before. And as surprised as I am to find myself here, I am equally assured and content and kind of not surprised one bit.
See, I was never the girl who had a plan for my life, which is kinda funny because I love having a routine and a daily plan. But I never envisioned a husband, although I knew I’d get married some day. Never envisioned a particular career, although I always knew I'd find my way. And I always KNEW I was going to be a mom. There has been a thread of knowing all along the way.
But that knowing seems to have come to an abrupt halt with this job as Mom. And as my kids get older and need me in different ways, I’m beginning to feel that I’m supposed to be starting a new chapter soon. And I have absolutely no idea what that is supposed to look like.
I have been extremely blessed to be able to do everything I’ve wanted to do in my life. After realizing that singing and acting was a joyful part of my life, I pursued a career in Musical Theatre. When New York grew old, I found my way to San Diego and eventually, a career in Casting and meeting my husband. And after many attempts at having children, we were able to create two amazing little beings.
But now what? I’m 51. I’m lucky if that really ends up being my mid-life. It’s probably more like my two-third’s life. And I have absolutely no clue what I can do with this time. I hear a voice saying, ‘follow your passion,’ but have no idea what that passion is.
If I dwell on this for too long, I get sad. Luckily, my role as mom is still relatively time consuming and it distracts me from focusing on this question too much. But sometimes when I find a quiet moment, (and if by chance my peri-menopausal hormonal shift is in full swing) it pulls me down.
I’m a person who appreciates having a direction to move in. So I must consider that the reason why I’m not being met with inspiration is that I’m still serving a purpose doing exactly what I’m doing now.
And so I will surrender to that, for now. And continue to ask the Universe for guidance, trusting that Divine timing is not necessarily my timing. And do my best to enjoy this amazing life that somehow I’ve co-created.
Life is good. I am always held. I am surrounded in love every single day. Trust, surrender, accept. And on to the next wonderfully fabulous 51 years!