Feeling like I'm floating...
Occasionally I go through phases (and it seems it has been occurring more recently) where I feel lost. I can best describe my feeling by contrasting it to how I normally feel- anchored and grounded.
Today as I was walking, I had the strongest desire to stop in the middle of the block and just sit down on the ground. I wanted to feel it underneath me; sense the solid mass, the concrete and grass. I wanted to lay my whole body against it so that I could feel something solid beneath me.
And I got two visuals- one of a bobber on a fishing line, floating in the middle of the ocean, bobbing up and down, and moving aimlessly from side to side. And the other I had was of an anchor, holding me down and allowing me to feel secure.
So I began to consider the things that give me the feeling of being anchored in my life.
1. Routine. I like having a plan for each day and keeping things consistent.
2. Spiritual Practice. Daily walks where I center myself. Practicing Compassionate Self-
Forgiveness. Setting intentions. Questioning choices. Asking for assistance.
3. Eating Healthy. The more whole I eat, the better I seem to feel.
4. Free time to focus on myself.
5. Connecting with friends.
6. Connecting with my husband.
Then I mentally reviewed my list and realized it has been obliterated by recent events.
Between car accidents that have forced us to search for a new car, to sick kids and last minute adjustments in schedules, there is no routine to my routine. And I feel so floaty.
And when my routine gets thrown out of whack, the rest of my list starts to tumble, like dominos. I’m too tired from being up all night with a sick child to take my daily walk, where I usually spend time focusing on my Spiritual Practice. The kids are barely eating, so I barely eat- or worse- I grab something that’s quick and easy which generally translates to unhealthy. Free time away from kids, what’s that? And so focusing on myself, connecting with friends and my husband- not a chance!
The result- I’m left bobbing around like the bobber in the ocean, feeling completely ungrounded and unanchored. (I’m kind of amused at how I’ve just combined all of my metaphors!)
So what’s a girl to do? Start small. Taking some time to step away from serving everyone else and sit down to write this blog is a start. I’ve only got one sick child at home today, so it’s more manageable. I was also able to get a in a walk, set some intentions and connect with Spirit. And I plan on getting to the store today so I can cook a healthy meal tonight. (Or at the very least, treat myself to some chicken and vegetables from the local Chinese restaurant.) I’ll do my best to connect with a friend today- if only through text or a phone call. And I’ll stop whatever I’m doing when my husband calls in between work and grad school tonight and focus on us for the 15 minutes we have together on the phone.
But I think the most important thing I can do is to take five minutes and just pray. Pray that I receive the messages the Universe is sending me in the most gentle ways possible. What’s the opportunity available to me in the boys being sick at home? Why was my husband in a car accident that took away the car I’ve loved for 11 years, but thankfully left my husband and son completely safe? And what’s the opportunity to feeling floaty and unanchored? What can I gain and learn through this time period that feels so challenging? My intention is to stay open and receptive to the messages available to me.
And if you see me laying in the middle of a sidewalk, don’t worry. It actually feels really good!
P.S. One more thing - leave room for miracles and surprises! As I completed typing this blog, my husband sent me a message telling me not to prepare lunch because he was having food delivered for both me and my son. He has never done anything like this before. It's an indulgence and I will gladly, gratefully and gleefully accept it! And I am reminded, once again, that I am always supported.