Leveling Out

I’m feeling balanced. Level. Like if I were one of those pendulums that swings back and forth, I’d be finding that sweet spot, right in the middle.

And as the distance from discovering the cancer increases, I feel I will continue to find that balance. Time is a wonderful thing. With its blessing, I’ve been able to run the gamut of emotions that came from the experience of discovering that lump to feeling healthy today- and everything in between.

And so while I hesitate to close the chapter on this whole cancer thing, my sense is it’s time to move on.

If you’ve been following my blogs, you’ll know that I’ve had several lessons from cancer. Lately I’ve been contemplating the symbolism of removing all the tissue from my breasts. I was cleared out in the chest area. Hmmm….. Why did that area need to be cleared and what other things close to the heart needed clearing?

Perhaps it was time to release some of the limiting beliefs I was holding around my own creativity. Or my natural tendency to sit back and observe before stepping more fully into my power as a woman. And there’s always the whole self-nurturing thing and my resistance to embracing my own self-care. All lessons I’ve taken note of and will continue to contemplate and shine light on.

If you saw me now, you wouldn’t even know that my last year was consumed with cancer treatment. My hair has grown out to the point that people probably assume the style (and curls!) are a choice. My energy is back to one hundred percent. The only other reminders I have are when I look in the mirror at my new boobs, (which I’m still not completely on board with), see my short hair, take my daily medicine, and experience the painful side effects as my bones and muscles ache.

My emotions have leveled out too. Yes, I still experience intense mood swings, compliments of that daily pill. But they seem to be fewer and further apart.

I’ve also been drawn to learning about quantum physics and the whole mind/ body connection. I’ve always been so fascinated with this whole subject, it resonates as absolute truth for me. So I find myself wondering how I contributed to creating that cancer. I try not to place blame on myself, but explore how I can shift any old patterning to a more positive, hopeful way of being, in service to increasing my health.

So yes, one year after clearing my breasts and learning I would have to undergo sixteen rounds of chemo, I’m gaining perspective and finding my way into my new life. Cancer has transformed me on many levels beyond the physical. While I wish the lessons from this experience would’ve come in a much more gentle way, I’m also mindful of the fact that I am alive- and so maybe it did come in a gentle way after all.

And some of the most vivid memories of the past year won’t necessarily be around chemo (although, boy, they were doozies) but around the love and support that carried me through my days. Friends and family from far and close, new and old, who I speak with daily and I haven’t heard from in years. You all came forward and rallied for me when I couldn’t take care of myself. You provided me with food for nourishment, drugs to stave off the ill effects of chemo, flowers, notes, posts, encouragement and so, so, so much love. So there are blessings in that cancer, for sure.

I’ve been blessed with another year to share in my boy’s experiences. They are taller, maturing at lightening speed, and so joy filled. Both of them continue to thrive in their lives and seem to be genuinely happy kids. We now have a dog, who just loves to cuddle. My husband and I are more committed to each other than ever before. And I am finally taking steps to explore what my next chapter will hold. There have even been some wonderful synchronicities unfolding- things that I’ve imagined and hoped for over the past several years, occurring right before my eyes. Maybe, I finally have the space for it all.

So I thank you, dear reader. Thank you for taking this journey with me. Thank you for your patience as I complained and vented, your persistence in cheering me on and your unending love.

If more insights come forward, blogs about cancer may follow. But now I see myself sharing more about next steps and new adventures in my life. And how lucky I am to wake up every morning, surrounded by love, with a roof over our heads, food in the cabinets, running water and electricity, and a body that is working in perfect alignment with my soul’s Higher purpose.

I am grateful.

And I thank you.

In loving,

Sarah