Who am I fooling?
I’m stressed. No two ways around it.
And stress is a tricky little bugger. It hovers in stealth mode, allowing me to think I’ve got a handle on things. Then it sneaks in, until… BAM! I’m hit with a reminder. And by then, it’s too late. Like a ball rolling down a hill, it’s hard to catch up and stop it from hitting the bottom.
Managing our household can be overwhelming at times. Lots of activities to get the boys to, helping them with their studies, bills, schedules, laundry, grocery shopping- that’s all part of the day and I enjoy my job very much. But lately there’s been more, like adjusting to my husband’s new schedule. Aging. And death. There has been a lot of death lately. Gets you thinking. And stressing.
Recently I’ve had a little insight about this stress. What would happen if I take all the worry and wrap it up in a little knapsack.- you know, the kind they used to show in cartoons with a handkerchief tied to a stick? And I took that knapsack and I just handed it over. To God, Spirit, the Universe, whomever. Just handed it over. Trusting that this is all unfolding perfectly for my Higher learning. That we are all here with our own Spiritual agendas and will continue to experience whatever we call to us to deepen our connection, learning and healing. If I could really, and I mean REALLY do this, what a sense of lightness I could experience.
Because really, what does my worrying do? It doesn’t change the outcome of anything. But it does change my experience. Whether it’s worrying about myself, my husband, kids, parents, siblings or friends. Worrying just doesn't affect the outcome- AT ALL.
Part of my frustration is that I understand this on an intellectual level. I get it. But that doesn't seem to stop my from having the behavior.
And then this came forward: In an attempt to earn my right to be a career mom instead of having a job that generates money, I have imposed a set of beliefs that is simply unattainable. And the stress that this has created is manifesting itself in my body. And I’d like that to end.
At times, this pattern appears so rooted in my being that it seems impossible to change. I want to be able to put myself first- at least once in a while. Even when the kids REALLY need me. Even when they need to be fed, or have a spider moved or have to get to one of their activities.
The shift seems colossal, so I’ll start small. One little thing at a time. I’ll say no to moving the spider until I've finished with what I am doing. I’ll encourage my boys to be more self-sufficient, knowing that this not only helps me, but helps them to develop their own confidence and abilities. And my hope is that as I take these small steps, they will naturally progress to larger steps. And eventually my way of being will shift so that nurturing myself will come as naturally as it is for me to nurture others.
As this awareness sets in, I sense the physical manifestation of the stress in my body diminishing. I’m grateful for the (not so gentle) message that my body has sent. I understand the opportunity available to me and ask that the lessons continue to appear in the most gentle, kind ways. My commitment is to remain open and receptive to these lessons as I heal the misunderstandings and wounds that they’ve left behind.
And no more knapsack for me.