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A Big Step

I am terrified.

I constantly feel dizzy and like I’m going to puke.

You see, I’ve taken a big step outside my comfort zone. And it is scaring me to my foundation, to my core.

If you saw me today, you wouldn’t see any of what I’m experiencing because my big step isn’t jumping out of a plane to skydive or climbing Mt. Everest.

It’s taking care of myself. And it terrifies me.

OK, so I do little things to take care of myself in my every day life. I’ll sometimes meet a friend for frozen yogurt. Or I’ll have a piece of chocolate.

I also take care of myself physically and spiritually with my daily practices.

But when it comes to spending money- like a BIG chunk of money- on myself. Man- I am bone-numbing terrified. And I’ve decided to spend a big ‘ole chunk of money to take a Course that really excites me.

At this moment, as I write this, I feel as if I could puke all over my keyboard and the tears are streaming down my face.

Doing some internal inspection, I realize that I somehow have paired two thoughts: If I take care of myself by spending lots of money on myself, I will somehow end up killing my kids. I know- there’s no logic present at all. And yet, it sits as a truth in my heart. A fear.

So what do we do when we’re scared to our bones and we feel like we’re gonna puke?

Well, for one, I’m going to stop and acknowledge myself for stepping so far out of my comfort zone that I’m allowing myself this very scary experience. I am a courageous woman. I am strong.

Next, I’m going to remind myself that I am not my thoughts. I can choose my thoughts. Deep breath.

Then I’ll do some self- forgiveness. I forgive myself for buying into the belief that spending money on myself will kill my kids.

(I’ll actually do this several times, paying attention to other thoughts and feelings that come forward. I sense this misinterpretation is actually what I call a nugget- something that is gold- it holds a lot of possibility in getting to something deeper. It frustrates me that I don’t understand it all right now, but I am going to trust that the lessons from my nugget will come forward in the time that they’re meant to, giving me space and time to process.)

Then I’ll remind myself of the truth. The truth is this is all unfolding perfectly for my Higher learning. The truth is that taking care of myself financially will only serve to support my kids. The truth is I am always held. The truth is it’s all ok.

Then I offer gratitude for allowing all of this to come forward. Because I know that each time I allow myself to heal a little bit, my connection to my Self, to Spirit, to everyone around me deepens.

And I move on, feeling just a little bit lighter. The fear is still present, but not permeating right now. And I am choosing to focus on the possibility and the truth of my experience- we have always been just fine.

What scares you to your core? How do you handle it? And what can you choose to let go of today? What beliefs are you holding onto that just don’t serve any longer?

I acknowledge you for all that you are and the courage you show in facing your fear, stepping out of your comfort zone.

You are held and loved!



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